


despite everything it's not you

by MeltedDragon



Series: DreamSMP Angst Fics [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Goat Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mentioned TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:09:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28989756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeltedDragon/pseuds/MeltedDragon
Summary: Tubbo visits Logsteadshire and believes that Tommy is dead, he makes a quick decision out of grief.
Series: DreamSMP Angst Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199279
Comments: 10
Kudos: 73





	despite everything it's not you

**Author's Note:**

> not a ship thing :)

Tubbo never really thought about his personal appearance, he was self-conscious in the way most teenagers were, but he didn’t consider himself anything but average. 

Tubbo locked eyes with himself in the mirror, his hands gripping either side of the sink in an attempt to keep his body stable. He observed his facial features, his gaze drifting from his eyes, to his nose, then lips, cheek, ear, forehead. He shut his eyes and let out a shaky breath before slowly opening them again. Glancing to the top of his head, the fear and disgust clear in his expression as his vision settled on the twin horns piercing out of his skull. 

Their growth seemed to be slowing as they had gone from small stumps to full curled rams horns. He’d wished for them to disappear altogether, but stopping in growth was a welcome occurrence. 

He gingerly reached out and touched his reflection, tracing one of the spiraling horns from base to tip, pressing so hard that his fingertip turned white. He retracted his hand and sighed, averting his eyes from his reflection. 

_ “I should go see Tommy.” _ he thought wistfully, hoping that a visit to his best friend might clear his head of the growing dark thoughts that appeared every time he looked in the mirror. 

———————

Tubbo choked as he saw the tower looming over Logsteadshire. So many thoughts were racing through his mind. 

“...surely not” he muttered, taking a step away from the tower, tears clouding his vision as he imagined a figure jumping from the top. Tubbo covered his mouth in shock, not registering that he was crying until he realized his own tears were the reason his hands were soaked. 

He didn’t know how he ended up back in L’manburg, but he had ignored the concerned comments of everyone around him and shut himself inside his office without speaking to anyone. 

Tears flowed freely down his cheeks as he sobbed, he sank to the ground as he cried. Tubbo didn’t know how long he stayed there but the tear stains on his cheeks were begging to dry when he noticed. He curled in on himself while staring out across the dark room. His face now devoid of any emotion as he reflected on how his actions had led to this moment. 

“I promised him I wouldn’t be the next Schlatt…” he spoke, just barely audibly. “...yet here I am” he concluded, a twisted smile spreading across his face. Tubbo tilted his head back, grunting when his horns hit the wall beside him. 

_ “...my horns,”  _ he thought, reaching up to trace a finger across the ridged surface. An idea sprang into Tubbo’s mind, one that he quickly latched onto. He stood up and opened a nearby chest, rummaging around before- 

“There you are~” he cooed, pulling a simple netherite sword from the chest. He hadn’t gotten around to enchanting it, but that was the last thing on his mind. 

Tubbo gently took the netherite blade into his hands, admiring the dull gleam and the sharp edge. He silently made his way to the small bathroom adjacent to his office, turning on the dull light and stepping inside. 

He stared at himself in the mirror. He noted that he was much more disheveled than last time, his clothes and hair messy and his face tear-stained. He stared into his own eyes, as if telling himself what he already knew he must do. His gaze drifted to his horn and his grip on the netherite sword tightened. 

“I am not Schlatt” he whispered as he brought the blade up to the base of his horn. “I am not Schlatt” he repeated as he began to move the sword in a steady sawing motion. 

At first, he didn’t feel anything but dull pressure as the sword pushed down on his horn, however the pressure soon gave way to sharp pain as the sword broke through the horn’s outer protective layer and into the sensitive core made of nerves and blood vessels. 

Tears began to fall down Tubbo’s cheeks and he quickly bit his lip to stifle his cries. He paused for a moment, feeling the blood gush down onto the side of his face and onto his clothes. The crimson liquid had splattered onto the mirror he had looked into previously, the droplets slowly gliding down into the cracks on the glass. 

He took in a shaky breath before continuing his motions, gripping the blade tighter as the blood loosened his grip. The blood rushing past his ears prevented him from hearing his whimpers of pain as he furiously sawed back and forth.

Back and forth. His hands slipped from the blade’s handle, slicing his palm as he continued his work. 

It wasn’t until the blade swung down into his shoulder that he realized the horn was sawed off. Tubbo winced as he took a better look at the wound, his skull throbbed in pain and looking at the wound didn’t help any of it subside.

He let the blade fall from his grip, his fingers numb and cold from gripping the handle so hard. The weapon clanged loudly on the floor, right next to the now severed horn. Tubbo stared at the object, a strange feeling filling his chest as he registered the horn as a part of his body that was now detached. 

Tubbo let out a laugh that came out as more of a sob, before picking up the blade and setting it against the base of the remaining horn. 

“I am not Schlatt” he echoed, like a broken record before repeating the same sawing motions as before. 

It wasn’t easier the second time. Tubbo faltered in his movements as the pain registered in his brain. The dull, throbbing pain being interrupted by something sharper gave him a moment of lucidity. 

“...what am I doing?” 

He looked back at himself in the mirror, covered in blood and a blade a quarter of the way through his horn. He remembered what the horns had meant, what they were doing to him, how they represented every disgusting part of himself that he hated.

His clarity vanished and he resumed his actions, robotically moving the blade back and forth.

Soon enough the second horn clattered to the floor, the blade following suit as Tubbo slumped against the wall behind him. His vision was hazy as tears muddled his vision, his head throbbed and felt floaty at the same time. 

Tubbo glanced at the mirror, a smile slowly spreading across his face as the two large horns were now removed from the visage. “I did it” he mumbled as he stared at himself, pride filling his chest as he stared at the bleeding stumps. 

He took a step forward before his body hit the floor. He groaned, too exhausted to stand.

Blood pooled around the boy, a halo of crimson encircling his head as he lay motionless on the ground. 

Tubbo closed his eyes, trying to ignore the throbbing pain from his skull.  _ “I couldn’t save him...I’m so sorry, Tommy”  _ he wished he could speak, say something out loud, but he couldn’t. He vocalized a small whimper before going still, the pain overwhelming him to the point where his body refused consciousness.

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clarify, Tommy isn't dead, Tubbo just thinks he's dead.  
> This is my first time writing angst stuff so lemme know how I did! Also, lemme know if you want more mcyt angst stuff because I have some ideas >:)


End file.
